Gratitude: Showing Others the Light by Which We See Providence

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess. 5:18). When I first became a Christian, I found this passage so important that I wrote it down on a 3 x 5 notecard and memorized it. Its prescription is universal—it apples "in all circumstances," that is, in every time, place, and situation. If you ever find yourself wondering what you ought to be doing, "give thanks" always applies. To take it even further, St. Paul adds that this is God's will for us. How many people struggle to discern the will of God for their lives! Yet here in Scripture the Apostle tells us plainly that God always wills our gratitude. If you ever doubt what God wants you to be doing in life, at the bare minimum you know that you should be giving thanks.

 
Why is gratitude so essential? Gratitude frames how we interpret our life's circumstances. It is a kind of lens that filters how we see things. A person who exercises gratitude has learned to see the gratuitousness of life, the giftedness of all that we are and have. This renders our existence precious, ensuring that we treasure the things and people in our lives. All mortal life is contingent; nothing is certain, and all we have can be taken at any moment. That anything isn't is a gift of God. Gratitude is the light that helps us discern the hand of Providence in all things.

Cicero addressed this when he observed how gratitude affects our practice of so many other virtues:

“There is no quality I would sooner have, and be thought to have, than gratitude. For gratitude not only the greatest of all the virtues, but is even mother of all the rest. What is filial affection, if not a benevolent gratitude to one's parents? What is patriotism, what is service to one's country in war and peace, if it is not a recollection of benefits received from that country? What is piety and religion, save a due reverence and remembrance in paying to the immortal gods the thanks that we owe? Take friendship away, and what joy can life continue to hold? More, how can friendship exist at all between those who are devoid of gratitude? Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” (Cicero, Pro Plancia, 80)

I think we all recognize the importance of gratitude, but we are generally bad at practicing it ourselves, much less guiding others towards it. We all know someone who is a habitual pessimist—one for whom the glass is always half-empty, whose conversation is full of complaints, whose disposition towards life seems to be one of ingratitude and disregard for blessings and favors received. We may look at such people with bewildernment, thinking, "If I had even half the blessings he enjoys, I would not be so ungracious!" This really shows you how much of a difference gratitude makes, for in such persons, the lack of gratitude literally renders them blind to whatever good things they enjoy. Besides finding their view of reality to be skewered through their own negativity, their continual self-pitying becomes tiresome; they make themselves an annoyance by their endless dwelling on doom and misfortune. Gratitude is a kind of vision that determines what we make of life, which in turn shapes our attitude towards it.

What can we say to such negative people? How can we guide our gloomy friends and family towards the light of gratitude? Sadly, most of us are awful at this. We know little else besides inviting them to rank their misery in comparison to others. For example, the exapserated mother of a teenage girl who has been complaining about drama in her social circle will tell her daughter, "Just be thankful you have a roof over your head and you're not starving." While it's true one should be thankful for these things, this kind of admonition does little to help, as it functionally tells the girl, "Your problems are insignificant and don't count as real challenges," which tends to make the person feel dimissed rather than consoled, further compounding their sense of frustration. Besides, reminding one in pain that others are in more pain is not the wholesomest response to their suffering. Being reminded of the starving children in Ethiopia was never a powerful incentive to get kids to enjoy their vegetables. 

I think there are more effective ways at helping someone who has fallen under shadow to learn gratitude. Since gratitude is a type of "sight," it can be learned with a readjustment of frame—in other words, how we look at something. Here are some practical tips I have found useful in my own experiences at helping friends switch their frame to cultivate a disposition gratitude:

1. Suffering Must Be Acknowledged, Not Dismissed

A person who feels like they have nothing to be grateful for does so because they have suffered some setback or setbacks which hinder their ability to recognize the good things they have. Our experience of pain is inversely proportional to our recognition of blessing. A person who is suffering is focused on their pain and little else. When speaking to people in this situation, their suffering must be acknowledged, not dismissed. If a friend tells you they are unhappy with their circumstances and you reply, "Oh come now, you have plenty to be grateful for," and start rattling off a list of their blessings, they will not feel like their pain is acknowledged. Rather, they will likely feel that you are trivializing their suffering. If they tell you of their troubles and you point out that other people have it worse, you are trivializing their experience. Do not trivialize someone's pain, even if it seems trivial to you. The social problems of a teenage girl might not seem like much to you, but to her that is her world. Her little social circle is everyone she knows and represents all the friendships in her entire life. Her pain deserves respect, even if it seems small in your eyes. 

In many cases, a person's troubles seem so overwhelming simply because they feel their suffering is not recognized, nor understood. They feel isolated, and isolation tends to amplify despairing thoughts. Expressing simple human solidarity with their experience goes a long way towards dulling the sharp blade of pain; empathy can restore some semblance of balance to their perception. I have found that when people are stuck in a spiral of self-pity, they will fight back if I try to use force against it. But if I allow myself to sit with them in their pity for a time, uncomfortable though it be, their countenance begins to turn. It's as if my lingering with them in their pity makes them more sef-aware of what they are doing and they begin to rouse themselves. "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adveristy" (Prov. 17:17). 

2. Gratitude Co-Exists With Suffering; It Does Not Replace It

St. Paul says we must give thanks "in all circumstances." This means that we must learn to give thanks despite the presence of suffering. Often we may feel like we need a specific outcome before we can be grateful. This is especially true in those moments when it seems everything is conspiring against us to rob our peace. But Paul says "in all circumstances," and he would not command this if its fulfillment were impossible. The fact of the matter is, our gratitude is the strongest (and I'd say the most meritorious) when we learn to be thankful in the midst of our suffering. On the cross, despite His suffering, Jesus Christ continued to see the Beatific Vision. While this was uniquely possibly to Christ because of the Hypostatic Union, it nevertheless provides us with a template to follow by way of analogy. Suffering and gratitude are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist; indeed, St. Paul's admonition presumes they do.

This means we do not have to end someone's pain in order for them to feel gratitude. What a burden this removes from our shoulders! So often when someone shares pain with us, our urge is to do whatever we can to make them "feel better." We may think we have to "cheer them up" in order for them to feel gratitude. This is far from the case. Gratitude is not necessarily a "happy" feeling—in fact, it is not a feeling at all, but a way of perception we engage in by deliberate choice. We cannot always control how we feel, but we can control what we choose to focus on. When we realize we do not have to bear the burden of resolving our friends' painful feelings to lead them to gratitude, the task becomes vastly easier.

Once I had an old friend call me suicidal. I went to his house and listened to an hour long profanity-laden rant in his kitchen about how awful his life and circumstances were—and boy, it was bad! It was difficult and awkward to listen to it. But even so, I did not try to cheer him up. When he'd relate some awful circumstance, I'd agree and say, "Dude that sucks so bad," or, " And he'd reply, "I know! That's what I'm saying!" and after awhile his disposition changed. "Thanks for letting me get that off my chest." It all passed.

3. Model Gratitude Yourself

We must ourselves model gratitude in order to help others cultivate this virtue. All training in virtue is benefitted by observation, but this is especially so of gratitude. When we model gratitude to our friends and family, we become a walking lesson in thankfulness. There are a few specific ways we can do this:

Verbalize your gratitude. If you are thankful for something, speak it. Gratitude of the heart gives glory to God, but speaking it aloud also edifies those around you. If someone is unaccustomed to habitual thanksgiving, seeing you speak your gratitude freely will provide a poignant lesson.

Express thanks for little things. Being happy in life is the sum of learning to be content and grateful for many little things. But many people ignore the small things, choosing instead to focus on bigger matters. This is unfortunate, as it is in the realm of the small where we often have the greatest agency and capacity for happiness. When you model gratitude, make sure you express gratitude for small things—"I'm grateful for the nice day we had today" or "I'm thankful we live in a place where we get to see such lovely fall colors." Habituate your acquaintance to hearing you verbalize gratitude for small, everyday blessings. This is the way our Lord shows us in the Sermon on the Mount (cf. Matt. 6:26-33).

Show gratitude for things you worked for. A problem with gratitude is that people don't think they need to be thankful for something they worked for. They consider gratitude only appropriate to gifts or things that came gratuitously, not for things they slaved over. A man might feel gratitude for a gift given to him, but not for something he poured hours of his own sweat into. I think people feel their own work is not the proper object of gratitude—as if they are the ultimate source of their own good fortune, circunstance, natural disposition, and everything else beyond our control that goes into our success! But of course we owe gratitude to God for all things, for "without me you can do nothing" our Lord says (John 15:5).  I think it is extremely helpful to others to model gratitude even for the things we have done ourselves, to demonstrate the giftedness of all things and our dependence upon God. When someone asks what you did on the weekend, instead of saying, "I finally redid the plumbing in the bathroom," say, "I finally redid the plumbing in the bathroom. I'm very thankful I was able to get it done in one afternoon." When you visit a friend and they ask how your drive was, reply, "It was great! Thank the good Lord I was able to make such good time getting here." And what if you didn't make good time? What if it was a nightmare of traffic? Then, "The traffic was quite snarled, honestly, but I am grateful to finally be here."

Model your gratitude verbally, and do so about everyday things, even those you worked for yourself. We ought truly give thanks always.

4. Be a Reason for Gratitude

Finally, and perhaps most efficaciously, express gratitude for others, thereby giving them a reason to be thankful. There are few things more affirming than to hear someone say, "I am grateful for you. I see all you do, and you are appreciated." Many broken marriages, many depressing jobs, many dysfunctional families have at their heart an absence of gratitude—people feel taken for granted, unseen, unappreciated. If you value someone, the worst thing you can do is keep silent because you assume they already know how you feel. They probably don't. Most people feel inadequate; many are uncertain of the affection of even their families and core friends. I meet countless teenagers who are unsure whether their parents even like them—homeschooled kids from good Catholic families!

If you want to help someone learn gratitude, show thankfulness to them. Thank them for their friendship. For their work. For their care. For their presence. Even if they owe it to you; even if they are a child just doing what they are told, even if they are an employee working for wages; it doesn't matter, just express your gratitude to people. This is especially important to express to people who themselves have trouble being grateful. The kindness of gratitude softens the harndess of their heart and unfolds something within them, enabling them to learn to express in turn what they receive from you. 

"Give Thanks to the Lord, for He is Good"

I sincerely believe cultvating gratitude is going to be essentially in withstanding the spiritual and social turmoil that is breaking out upon us. Those who are unable to render thanks will be overwhelmed with despair. They will cease to see the Lord's hand behind things. Their spiritual eyes will be darkened, and they will be tossed about here and there, as a plant with no root in themselves (cf. Mark 4:17). But those who cultvate gratitude will be like Mount Zion, who cannot be shake n (cf. Ps. 125:1). They have learned to see the hand of God in everything. They recognize the giftedness of life—how grace fills every moment, how all things reflect His goodness, how love vivifies all things. They have learned to frame their vision in such a way that their heart is a constant outpouring of gratitude for blessings both big and small. They have become as children, rejoicing in the bounty of their father. Such are the children of light.