More Swine Flu Silliness

So I went to noon Mass at a chapel near my work this afternoon and the priest announced that "by order of the Bishop" communion would only be offered in the palm, citing concerns about swine flu. You could hear the congregation sigh; it is a fairly devout chapel where most communions are on the tongue. The priest had a smirk on his face which looked somewhat amused but also forlorn, as if the absurdity of the whole situation would be comic if it weren't so serious a matter: communion in the palm or none at all. Some attendees were very troubled by this; I saw one woman who went up to communion nervously examining her palms at least twice after returning to her seat and then sticking them under her arms, the way we do when we are trying to hide our hands for some reason.

And why, you ask, was I watching other people and not praying after communion? Because I didn't receive. I made up my mind years ago that I was never going to receive on the hand again after I became convinced that it promoted irreverence, and upon being told that I had to receive on the hand I opted to not receive at all. Interestingly enough, I had a great tangible consolation after leaving Mass, the consolation of feeling that I'd done the right thing and been blessed for it. I was thankful that I was not in the position of the other woman, a worried look on her face anxiously examining her palms.

Maybe I'm an idiot, but to me reception in the hand is much more unsanitary than reception on the tongue. Is the idea that the priest's finger might touch your tongue and he might catch what you have? In the eight years I have been a practicing Catholic I can think of only one time out of the thousand of communions I have made that the priest's finger touched my tongue; oh wait, it was the finger of an EMHC, not a priest. Come to think of it, no priest has ever touched my tongue. I'm sure it happens, but I'm guessing very infrequently. Priests put communion in people's mouths for a living; they are competent enough to do it without getting slobber on their fingers. If anyone says the issue is about saliva, I think that is very disingenuous, especially when referring to the reception of the sacred host (versus from the chalice). There is virtually no saliva transmission via communion on the tongue.

Perhaps the idea is that the person, when opening their mouth to receive, will breathe on the priest and spread a virus that way. Okay, first off, let's agree that when we say "breathe on" we mean exhale, right? To breathe on something or someone is nothing other than to exhale. And when do we exhale? Does anybody exhale immediately after opening your mouth? Try opening your mouth right now as if you were receiving communion - don't you kind of instinctively inhale when opening your mouth? Now try to open your mouth an exhale simultaneously - you can do it, but doesn't it feel weird and unnatural? Who exhales the second they open their mouth?

"Yes, Boniface, but if you've had your mouth open for a time, then it is natural to exhale with your mouth open."

Point granted. But, who stands in line with their mouth open before they get up to receive? You'd look like an ass doing that and nobody does it in reality. Furthermore, you have to say "amen" when the priest says "Body of Christ," so even if you did have your mouth open, you'd have to close it momentarily to say "amen," so the mouth does not open really until the moment when the host is coming towards your it - at which point, as I explained above, it is very unnatural to exhale. It would necessitate you saying "Amen" and the immediately opening your mouth and exhaling just as someone is putting something into it. Try doing that now: say "amen," then immediately open your mouth and exhale. Who would receive like that?

And who exhales when something is being put into their mouth anyway? Do you exhale while eating putting a cracker into your mouth? What about while drinking something? I'm not being facetious with this emphasis on exhaling, because exhaling is what would spread a virus most likely, not a very unlikely contact with saliva.

One other thing: which is dirtier, the human hand or the human tongue? Isn't the single biggest factor in human hygienic improvement in the last century the fact that people learned to wash their hands? As one person said in my combox to another post (sarcastically), "Because you know, hands are clean and sanitary, because they don't touch thousands of nasty, public objects all day long. And tongues are dirty because they're not tucked away safely, and they aren't covered in enzymes that sanitize and destroy contaminants." If a priest did accidentally touch a tongue, it would be a lot less worse than accidentally touching a hand!

When giving communion, what is more probable, that a priest will accidentally touch a tongue or a hand?

What is more unsanitary, a tongue or a hand? The tongue is encased in sanitizing enzymes - but who usually washes their hands before Mass?

I think this directive (if it is a real directive since there is nothing on the diocesan wesbite about it) is not well thought out and very illogical. Besides, if someone in the congregation did have swine flu, don't you think even if everybody received on the hand and didn't shake at the passing of the peace that just the fact of being in a cramped room with hundreds of people would be dangerous enough? One of the symptoms of swine flu is excessive coughing. So, nevermind that the guy two pews behind you is coughing nonstop all Mass long - as long as we have communion in the hand everything is okay! Never waste a crisis.

Well, okay, whatever.