Friday, February 20, 2009

Some benefits of global warming

Has everybody noticed how in the past three months the liberal media elites have suddenly stopped talking about global warming and started calling it climate change? I'm guessing this is a subtle way to distance themselves from a discredited scientific theory that many in the future will be embarassed about believing in now. People are amazed at the panic and fear-driven decisions that seem to be plaguing Wall Street and the Federal Government, but I think I've never seen a more panic-driven, irrational movement than that fostered by the insane promoters of the move to Green everything, even if it means taxing people into oblivion to reduce illusory "carbon footprints" by degrees that won't matter for centuries.

But I am genuiely sad that global warming has turned out to be a farce - I was so hoping it was going to be true! Here are some reasons why we should want global warming:

1) Colonize Greenland: How tantalizing you are up there on the mercator projection, you giant massive bulk of land that nobody can live on! How you taunt us by being named Greenland but being a frozen waste! What a wonderful benefit to humanity if this bulk of useless ice could be dethawed and made fit for human habitation. The same could be said about the Northwest Territories and other areas of the far north devoid of any significant human populations. For liberal types who are afraid of overpopulation, this should be a happy prospect!

2) No more Michigan winter: For those of us who suffered through winter in the midwest, or the Great Plains, and are still enduring the frigid temps of December and January despite the fact that its almost March, cries about the dangers of global warming are met with icy indifference (pardon the pun). Right now in Michigan, on February 20th, it is still in the single digits, everything is covered in miserable ice, and winter is clinging to life as long as it possibly can. It will drag on into March, too. We won't see any appreciable warmth until late March. With the way the winter here destroys our roads, wastes our salt reserves, demoralizes those forced to live and work in it, raises Natural Gas bills to absurdly high levels and preys on the homeless, nobody here will care about some global warming. In fact, I could go for some global warming right about now, and anybody who had the nerve to turn up in the middle of this freeze and warn us about the dangers of a heating planet would probably be lynched (and rightly so).

3) And end to the pernicious polar bear: How long will humanity suffer from that perennial scourge of nature, the polar bear? How many men have to die, how many farms be destroyed, how many cities levelled by this beast until it is brought into subjection? Now that we have a real chance to destroy the evil polar bear by melting his ice floes, we ought to take it. Remember, when it comes to polar bears, there is only one rule: kill them - before they kill you.

4) Justification for more government waste: Finally, the best thing about global warming is that it will give great cause for our responsible, accountable, transparent government agencies to dump billions upon billions of dollars (which nobody really needs anyway) into another wasteful and useless enterprise. Isn't that lovely?

In conclusion, at least with regards to point one and point two, I say everybody light up your cigarettes, run your cars in the driveway for an hour purposelessly, go spray so aerosol into the sky, and enjoy the farts of your cows.


Anonymous said...

I wish there had been more global warming when I was younger..... maybe I would not have had so many girls give me the cold shoulder.

However, since that was not the case, I rightly understood when told there would be a hot time in the old town tonight.



Katelyn said...

First of all, I really don't find this all that funny. I thought this was supposed to be a Christian website. Therefore, you would see that we're ruining God's precious planet, and you wouldn't want the polar bear to die because it is one of God's creations. Furthermore, you would understand the negative repercussions of global warming, and you would see that these so-called "benefits" have extremely negative effects as well. Before you go off making statements, get your information first.

Boniface said...



de-bunker said...

what negative repercussions? Scientists say if there is global warming it will double our life expectancy and quintipple our crop output. And there's nothing to global warming. In the 70's the Eco-doom mongers predicted an Ice age. what little global warming there is is a result of sun activity, and we hubris filled humans can do nothing to change that. Concentrate on something truly important like the fact that Islamic women are having an average of 8.something babies each, while Europe is below replacement rate(2.11 being replacement rate.